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22 September, 2010

Getting in the Habit of Not Relying on God

I have to get into the habit of not relying on God. I've recently taken a trip to Europe, gotten an apartment in a town miles away from where I live, became engaged and have now landed a part-time job in the field I am in (rather than having to take some retail crap to hold me over).

I'm extremely afraid of flying. I cried three times during four total flights. I was determined not to pray. The second to last flight, from Munich to our Philadelphia layover, we hit turbulence on the way down. The plane literally dipped in the air. Everyone on the plane simultaneously gasped. When we finally rolled to a stop, everyone was clapping. I didn't pray the whole time. I'm trying to break the habit of blaming a God for the bad and hoping in his fickleness that he'll give me the good. I've found that the results of not praying have the same effect as if I had. Statistically, there is no difference.

I applied in July with my now-fiancĂ© for an apartment opening in September. It is sixty miles from where I live, but just down the street from the University of California that he will be attending for his PhD. I have literally slept on couches, lived with friends and family, and rented converted garages that are probably illegal for almost five years. Prior to that, I shared an apartment with my sister. The landlord charged us so much for "cleaning" that he barely gave us any of the deposit back (If I knew then what I know now I would have taken him to court-there was nothing wrong with that place when we left).  Needless to say, I don't have a real or good rental history and that doesn't look good for apartment buildings. Without praying for it, we got the place.

I had an interview on Monday. I really wanted this job. It's in my field and it's a very upstanding place. Walking up to the place before the interview, I kept saying to myself, "I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope they decide to hire me." I made it through without imploring to a Greater Being or Higher Power. They didn't call me Tuesday so I called them today. They want to hire me.

This all happened without God. I didn't need to worry about placating some power outside of myself in order to do my best, attempt hard things, be willing to face rejection and get the job done. If something hadn't gone well, I wouldn't have had to wonder what I did wrong. I wouldn't have to make some excuse for God's absence like, "Oh, he must have something better for me down the road." I wouldn't have to blame anyone who I couldn't see. It's a new feeling, but it's freeing.

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